life. at it's best.

wow. reading all of my past posts, i realized that life is WAY better now. for all of you who used to read this, its a first that i have finally updated this. things have changed. drasticly. im too lazy to type alot. so ill just put up lots of pictures. finally got my car back. that was pretty expensive.

i have new boyfriend...well, not too new. new to my blog, but it's almost been 5 months. next month is half a year. yay! we're moving in together. i couldn't be happier and i plan on being with him for a LONNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG time (: <3

new apartment. its actually nice and big. its in the ghetto. but it's cool. im allowed to have pets and the lady downstairs is alright.

still have the same kitties. they're my kids & lil is pregnant, so ill have kittens soon. i hope i get a white one!

my sister is in basic training. i miss her. i cant wait to see her in her cute army outfit!

i lost a couple "friends". but if i lost them, then they were never really friends. i gained some new ones that are way better. so im happy. that is all for now. ill post more pictures once my apartment is together and internet is finally set up. 1 week to go!

life has been surprisingly better. i've become more productive & done more with my life this past month, than in the past year. im pretty happy.

my new apartment is great. i no longer feel like a bum. living with my parents. i have to do everything on my own. but it's nice. im working 7 days a week. so i can have extra money. im living pretty comfortably.

i'm looking for a new car, but there isn't anything that ive seen that i can't live without. my car is ready to die though. its been leaking anti-freeze. im not trying to deal with that. ive had several guy friends look at it & they cant figure it out. so im not wasting my money on it.

i'm so full of knowledge now, i read constantly, do something productive with my free time. melissa and i went to barnes and knobel yesterday. i picked up 3 photography books. you can never know too much of something you love. i've been taking so many pictures & getting so many comments on my work. ive heard that im progressing into a talented artist. that makes me happy that someone else thinks that about me. i love having bands & people ask me to do photos for them. i think i found my secret ability/art. dont get me wrong, i still paint and draw, but im so wrapped up in photography. its great. bryant gave me an old camera he found in his attic. its a minolta xg-m. a 35mm. with an after market zoom lense. it works! i am so excited to use it. i just need a good oppertunity....

ive made so many new friends since bryant i broke up. alot of people i stopped talking to came around again and we mended things. its nice. im back to where i was. i discovered who my friends are, and who are the ones that just hung out with me b/c of who i dated. my true friends told me that they'd support me in whatever i do. its nice to have people who care & back me up in my decisions. even if it is to start again with bryant.

things could better i guess, in the boyfriend department. im not looking for co-dependency though. just maybe a best friend type boyfriend? i know, i know, alot of people are giving me hell about bryant. i can't help it. if only you could see the whole story. both sides. everything. one of my friends, who knows both of us told me today that there has to be a reason why we keep doing this. he can clearly see we're all about eachother. those were his exact words.it made me think. i thought all day. im still thinking...i guess we'll see what happens. i'm open minded about the situation. if he wants this to work, then we'll make it work. those were the last words i heard. if not, then i guess it's done. i cant do anything about it. all i know is that either way, ill be happy.

i have some new pictures ill be putting up soon. im changing my myspace around. ive been getting so many messages and requests for shoots, im going to make a photography myspace & my personal myspace, i think. idk yet. it's so nice out, im going outside to take more pictures :) check back soon! <3

an update on life.

july's almost over. i haven't updated in months. let's see...


bryant and i are finally over. after months of fighting and constant lies from him, he decided to break up with me. again.
i decided its the last straw. the past 7 months were a joke. a waste of time.
i'm done being played.
i'm done dating assholes who think they're better than everyone because they're HARCORE.
im done being lied to about who he's talking to and what he does.
plain and simple. i didnt trust him & he didnt give me a reason to.
especially when talked to me about trust, saying that he understands why i dont trust him & hes going to work on it...when he's clearly lying to my face about whats going on inside his house. especially when hes lying to the other girls he's with too.
i've never had hated for someone. i just plain out hate him now. yeah, its shitty of me to hate someone, but i dont have any other way to describe it.
bryant stahl; youre a selfish asshole. you will NEVER change. i dont feel bad for you. maybe someday youll grow up. you were SO right when you said you were still a kid.
i'm sorry i'm not what you want. i'm sorry im not a scene whore. i'm sorry i dont have stretched ears. i'm sorry i never came from the hxc scene. i'm me. i'm sorry you cant like me for me.

but enough about ex boyfriends...
i'm moved into my apartment. i brought winter and lilly too!
my room mates are cool. i love melissa and john!
melissa is this happy go lucky girl. she always has high spirits & cheers me up when im bummed.
we've been spending lots and lots of time together. yesterday we dressed up, went out to the mall & some new things. it was fun!
we even decided that once a week we're going to dress up & go out to eat & make a day of it. i am wayyyy too excited about it! lol.

john is really laid back, doesnt care what happens. he gives the best advice. hes pretty much calls all the shots when it comes to me and relationships. we share the same music interests and
share clothes. hahaha!

my life is finally getting put into place;
waking up early. getting things done. being in a better mood at work. back to drinking coffee every morning. hahah!
im finding out who my friends are & whos there just there because of who i'm dating.
i'm not trying to date anyone right now. im just letting that happen. if i find someone, then i do. i dont need to rely on anyone anymore. co-dependency is stupid. i can do things on my own. i like it that way too.
although some people are trying to date me, im keeping my options open. you know, just trying to have fun with friends.

its been forever since i last updated. there has been a lot happening in my life. so far, i moved out of my house & am now living with bryant and his family. it was until i found a place, it didnt take me long, i found one with 2 friends that i recently met. john and melissa. they're so nice & i can even have my cats there! rent is only $100 + utilities = $150. i can deal with that. im basicly staying there until i get enough money to get back on my feet & save enough to move out with bry. living with him is nice, i cant wait until we get our own apartment. life's pretty good. im content right now in some ways...

life totally went and took a turn for the worst. i was the happiest girl in the world. i had everything i needed. granted, i lost some friends, i was still the happiest girl, ever. i had a job that i liked, a great boyfriend, and a handful of friends. what else could i ask for?

now i find myself here. my room. alone. with nothing. all because of a dumb fight. something i could have fixed. something i could have avoided. i could be with him right now. we could be happy right now. but no, all because i fell head over heels in love with him and all i did was worry about losing him, because things were amazing with us. i never wanted to lose that feeling.

now im stuck with nothing. i dont even know what to do anymore. im miserable. he's always on my mind. im wondering if he's okay. im wondering if he's thinking of me. im wondering what's going to happen from here.

how do you just give something up like that? someone you love so much? i can't. i dont give up either. especially when its someone i care about more than anything in the world and would do anything for.

bryant stahl, i wont give up on you unless you are dead serious that you are through with me. that's a promise ill keep. just like you promised me that the first time we broke up.

im so sorry for everything. im sorry things even ended up the way they did. if i could do anything to take it back, i would. ill never be able to forgive myself until you forgive me.

shitty.

the past 3 days have been a disaster:

thursday night - went to dev's house. drank a lot. infact, i hate jungle juice, i will never drink it again. all i remember is ian saying "mar you're on your 5th cup, you've had enough" the rest of the night was a blur. fun, but a blur. i paid for it the next day...

friday - spent most of the day throwing up. being sick and hungover. blah. did i mention that i hate jungle juice? i finally managed to get out of bed around 7 and get my ass moving for the day. met up with the girls (char, allie and hayley) went back to dev's. i didnt drink this time. the girls did. allie, hayley and char left. bry showed up around 1 and we hung out for a little. char calls me, crying, apparently, allie and hayley got pulled over and got charged with d.u.i. great. i feel like its my fault because i asked a million times if they were okay to drive. bryant i leave the party & i stayed up most of the night, worrying about the girls.

saturday (today) - work was so slow. i had 2 tables in 4 hours. i walked with $7. great. so whatever, i got cut, came home got dressed and rushed over to see bry. we went to a skatepark in murrysville (near pittsburgh). we get there, not even 10 minutes later, i get a phone call. my sister was riding her bike in philly & she got hit by a car. i was so worried. at the same time, bryant thought he could jump this gap on his board & ended up landing the wrong way on his foot. i could tell something was wrong right away. we drove back to altoona. on the way home, i got pulled over, going 82 in a 55 mile zone. fuck. whatever, so we keep driving back to altoona, and finally get to altoona hospital. 3 hours later, bryant only bruised his foot and the bone really bad. im really glad its not broke though.

tomorrow's easter & i can only imagine how it's going to go....wish me luck!

busy.

i recently got asked to model for my friend tabitha. i usually dont model. im the one who needs to find models. i agreed because its really had to find anyone. we tried a couple different things. she only sent me 5 pictures to keep me held over until she edited the rest. so far i really like what she sent me.



ive been extremely busy with so many things. work, friends, bryant. just kind of catching up on life. ive been mostly working a lot and saving money so i can find a new car. i really haven't seen anything i can't live without.